Kicking Your Habit of People-Pleasing

People-pleasing is a habit that many have, and even you yourself might do. It’s described as putting others' wants or needs before yourself. Although this may cause temporary peace, it can have many downsides and can even hinder you in work. Understanding why you, or others, do this and learning how to stop can be very important for your health and success in both life and work!

A woman meditating

Why do we people-please?

One of the most common reasons for people-pleasing is a trauma response. We all know fight, flight, and freeze, but there is actually one other response- fawn. Fawn works by appealing to a perceived threat. Since trauma responses are something that is ingrained into you, you often subconsciously do behaviors to calm or prevent any anxiety from past trauma. Another reason one may people-please is because of a low self-esteem. If you feel you aren’t deserving of love and respect, you may overexert yourself in trying to please others to make yourself temporarily happy. One example of this is thinking “If I disappoint/make someone unhappy, there is something wrong with me.” In the same vein, the social need to feel liked and wanted can play into this behavior as well. By pleasing others, you are “being nice” to everyone and always doing what they ask, so you can never be seen as a bad person and feel desired by everyone. (When, in reality, it is okay and acceptable to not be liked by everyone and do everything.) Finally, people-pleasing can stem from emotional dependency. If you are afraid of being alone or craving connection, you may people-please to ensure that you keep someone around. Knowing why you people please is important but understanding what it costs you is crucial to helping stop the cycle.

What’s so wrong about people-pleasing?

It’s normal to want to help others out; but people-pleasing can cost you your mental health in the long run. It’s important to note that our brains form patterns and it uses these patterns to navigate your feelings and thoughts. Lots of times we please for the sake of avoiding conflict or we are afraid of what the consequences may be if we say no. When you do this, you are casting aside your feelings and thoughts and the fear is controlling your confidence. Your brain then makes this the new pattern - teaching yourself that your voice and needs don't matter and your worth is conditional. Furthermore, by trying to make everyone happy all the time, you lose your sense of self. It becomes another pattern to seek validation from others constantly (which is not healthy) and often leaves you feeling internally lost and stuck in a negative loop of self-neglect. The brain patterns can feel extremely difficult to change as the change feels wrong to the instinct your brain is so used to (which then can bring about further feelings of anxiety, stress, etc.) Although most downsides of people-pleasing ultimately affect your mental health, there are still other negatives to consider as well.

People -pleasing doesn’t just mean you can’t say no - it also forms to hinder you in other ways. People may talk over you or be loud and harsh if they feel they can get away with saying whatever they want to you because you won’t fight back. They could steal your ideas or burden your workload as much as they desire because you will not stand up for yourself. Additionally, you may find that more manipulative people are drawn to you. Abusers pick people they know have weak or no boundaries because they see they can exploit you easily; and because people-pleasers often reflect blame on themselves, it creates a vicious cycle you may be stuck in.

How to Stop People-pleasing

Now that you know the why and understand how people-pleasing is harmful long-term, it’s time to learn how to kick this bad habit! Let’s start with a helpful 8 steps!

• Name

  • Name why it is that you’re people-pleasing and reframe it to not attack yourself

  • For example, “I have a hard time saying no because I was taught I can’t say no growing up. That’s okay and it was what I had to do to survive.”

• Identify

  • Write down your non-negotiables. These are things that you will not tolerate from anyone. Have that list to remind you what is not acceptable.

• Practice

  • It may be difficult to articulately defend yourself in the moment, so jot down some sentences and practice saying them aloud.

• Start Small

  • Breaking the habit doesn’t start with the hardest part (whatever that may be). Try practicing things that ease you into holding your boundaries and comfort

  • For instance, telling a friend you’re too tired to hang out today or correcting someone when they mispronounce your name.

• Seek Support

  • Change is often easier when you have others to lift you up and help you along the way. Don’t be afraid to reach out - even to therapists or other professional guidance!

• Hold Your Ground

  • If others have walked over you in the past, that may be the expectation for them in the future. You must ensure you stay true to your boundaries and resist whatever they may say to push you.

  • You do not have to explain yourself in depth - try saying something like “I understand you’re upset, but I won’t continue while being spoken to this way.”

• Record

  • If someone is persistently pushing you, record these things. (Write down when - time, date, etc.) If this is a workplace issue, share it to a trusted individual who can help you handle this situation. If you find this is someone who is close to you, perhaps it’s time to evaluate the relationship.

• Celebrate

  • Learning new skills, and especially things like this, is not a perfect path. You will still stumble at times and that’s okay! Celebrate the victories no matter how small.

Even though those eight tips are bound to help tons, there are still plenty of ways to help break this habit. For one, when asked something that you can or do not want to do, one trick that Beatriz Albina, a nurse practitioner from UCSF, uses is simply saying the phrase “Let me think about that and get back to you.” By doing this, you are learning to settle with the discomfort a lot easier as opposed to just saying no. When it comes to your job, the phrase, “I want to give this the attention it deserves. Let me review my current workload and see how we can make this work.” may work a lot better. Another good thing to reflect on is that sometimes, doing too much can do more harm than good. In relationships (of any kind), when you take on more responsibilities than another, the relationship becomes unbalanced and can damage it. If someone is arguing with you, instead of engaging and having a lot to say, it’s often better to keep silent for a minute before (calmly) answering. This is important because instead of immediately pleasing them, giving them time to process their emotions and think about what to do next often leads them to come to a conclusion that works for everyone (and hence doesn’t put more on your plate). Finally, become comfortable in allowing others to make mistakes. You may feel compelled to fix a coworkers' paper because they always get it wrong - don’t. Everyone has to learn on their own and it's not your responsibility to bear. All in all, these insightful avenues to crushing your desire to people-please are just a good place to start!

Time to stand up for you!

Now that you’ve learned why we people-please and how to handle it, you are all set for new, additional, healthy life/work connections and success!